The Snake and the Badger
by particularly good finder
Summary: Karofsky and Azimio were just Kurt's stupid Slytherin roommates. Their insults shouldn't matter. Not after five years. But at least Kurt had a brother to turn to, even if he was just a Hufflepuff. Hogwarts AU. Furt.


**No idea where this came from. Might write a more Quidditch-related piece later. Also, not under crossovers because none of the actual characters from Harry Potter are mentioned here.**

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><p>"Um…Kurt?" Rachel looked up from her perch on the best armchair in the common room. "Not that blue doesn't look good on you…but why are you wearing a Ravenclaw scarf?"<p>

Kurt blushed, pausing on his way to the dorms. He swept a stray hair from his face. "Oh, um, it was cold during Herbology and Blaine leant me his scarf because I wouldn't stop shivering."

Rachel's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Aren't you the one who taught me the Body Heating charm our third year?" She asked, a small smirk gracing her lips.

Santana joined in on the conversation, wrapping her arms around Kurt's waist flirtatiously. "Kurt's always been a phenomenal actor. Remember the time he started crying _just_ to get Puckerman in trouble our first year?"

"Noah's been at my mercy ever since," Kurt reminisced, leaning back into Santana's touch. "Alright, so I had to force a little bit of chivalry out of Anderson. But he's just got the nicest eyes."

"But why do you still have it?" Rachel asked. "Herbology ended hours ago."

Both Kurt and Santana stared at Rachel disparagingly. Santana sniffed. "No wonder you're dating a Hufflepuff. Only one of _them_ could be dull enough to fall for your pathetic attempts at romance. You know nothing about seduction."

"You're in love with a Hufflepuff, too," Kurt added. "And Finn isn't _that_ clueless."

"He kept the scarf," Santana continued, resting her chin on Kurt's shoulder. "Because he needs the excuse to talk to Anderson again." The Beater parted from Kurt and began an eerily convincing imitation of him. "_Oh, Blaine! There you are! I'm so, _so-o-o _sorry! I kept your scarf by mistake! It was so nice of you to lend it to me! You're such a gentleman…_"

Jesse St. James smirked as he walked into the common room, overhearing Santana's display. "_It was no problem. Can't have you catching a cold, can we Kurt?_"

Santana giggled girlishly, latching onto Jesse. "_Well, how about I buy you a butterbeer next time we're in Homgsmeade as a Thank You, okay?_"

Jesse held back laughter. "_Only for you, my sunshine_."

Kurt blushed. "I hate both of you." He headed towards his dorm, ignoring Santana's cries of, "But we haven't even gotten to the part where you confess your undying love for each other!"

Kurt dumped his bag onto his bed, then stripped off cloak. He folded Blaine's scarf neatly and put it in his trunk for safekeeping, then started unbuttoning his shirt.

"Oh, no, the fairy's at it again! Trying to turn us all gay!" Kurt sighed and turned to face Karofsky and Azimio, two of his roommates (unfortunately).

"We've been living in the same dorm together for five years now," Kurt said, hands on his hips. "If you aren't gay by now, I doubt me changing into my pajamas like I do every night is going to make you wanna suck my-"

Azimio laughed, cutting him off. "Now, now, Lady-Face, don't be vulgar."

"Cute," Kurt snapped. "But lay off, unless you want me to quit the team again. Remember what happened last year when you had to replace me with _Thad_? He couldn't catch a snitch to save his life."

Azimio's eyes darkened at the memory. Karofsky looked away, guilt on his face.

"And you really don't want Gryffindor winning _again_, do you?" Kurt asked, eyes narrowing.

"Piss off, Hummel," Azimio barked, but he and Karofsky both left the dorm. Kurt sighed shakily, sinking down onto his bed.

Without a second thought, he bounded up the stairs to the common room, past Rachel and Jesse and Santana ("Wait, Kurt, we were just joking! Don't be like that!") and out into the corridor. He was a prefect, so no one gave him a second look for roaming the halls so close to curfew, but a few noticed the distressed look on his face.

"Boo, what's wrong?" Mercedes caught his arm as he passed, pouting. "Are you okay?"

"Just Karofsky and Azimio. Don't worry about it," he said, giving his best friend a weak smile. She still looked worried.

"Do you want me to throw a quaffle at their heads during the game?" Sam asked as he approached, kissing his girlfriend's cheek. Kurt laughed a little.

"Only if it costs you damn Gryffindors some points," he jibed, winking at the Gryffindor Team Captain. "But seriously, I'm fine. Just…heading to talk with Finn."

Mercedes smiled sadly. "Okay, boo. Don't let those stupid Slytherins get to you!" He laughed and pecked her cheek, then resumed his journey to the Hufflepuff common room.

Quinn stopped him not long after, Prefect badge glistening on her impeccable robes. "Hummel…where's your badge? I thought you didn't do rounds on Fridays."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "I'm not on duty. I'm going to see Finn."

Quinn sighed, brushing some hair from Kurt's face. "Is it those idiot roommates of yours again?" Kurt nodded. "Why weren't you a Ravenclaw? Honestly. Artie and Blaine _love_ you, and Wes and David respect you as a player. You'd be so much happier with us."

"But I'm so much better than all of you!" Kurt joked, holding his chin up. "Besides, I've already been adopted by the Badgers. You know how Brittany gets."

Quinn smiled sadly. "Well, I'll try to get those jerks for something. Now run along to the Hufflepuffs before I give you detention, Hummel!" Kurt jogged off, winking at his friend.

Once he found the faded tapestry of the Merry, Drunken Monks, Kurt cleared his throat and said, "Bubotubers." The tapestry curled upwards, leading him through a burrow-like tunnel.

On the other side was the Hufflepuff common room. Mike and Tina – the legendary Badger couple that refused to break up or stop being cute – were snogging in a corner, and Brittany was blocking paper balls that little Stacy Evans – one of Sam's siblings – enchanted to fly at the older girl. Brittany was slow in many regards, but she was the finest Keeper Hufflepuff had seen in a long time.

"Kurt!" Brittany looked up, still managing to block two separate paper wads without looking. "What are you doing here?"

Kurt pecked her forehead and ruffled Stacy's hair, then sat in an open armchair. "Came to talk with Finn," he said, catching one of Stacy's paper balls out of the air. She giggled, and started throwing some towards Brittany, and some towards Kurt.

"Hey! Stop training the enemy Seeker, Stace! You'll make Jeff look bad." The trio looked up to see Finn loping up the stairs from his dorm, dressed in sweats and a muggle football t-shirt. "Kurt, when did you start living here?" He teased, stooping over the back of Kurt's chair. Kurt looked up, smiling at his stepbrother.

"Well I decided that living with you at home is _so much fun_, so I should just become a Hufflepuff and save myself the heartache of being so far away from you."

Finn laughed, then scooped his brother out of the plush yellow chair, despite the lithe boy's protests. Finn sat down in Kurt's spot, letting his brother sit on his lap instead.

"You could have sat on the floor."

"But the chair's comfier."

"But I was in the chair."

"You still are."

"No, I'm on _you_. The chair was nicer."

"I'm so much comfier than a chair."

"You're really not."

"Then why haven't you moved?"

"You're comfier than the floor."

"So you're just using me?"

"Finn."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

Stacy watched the boys interact, giggling hysterically. "I wish my brothers were as cool as you guys!" She exclaimed, tossing another wad at Brittany. The Keeper deflected it with her left hand, as her right was occupied with petting her cat, Lord Tubbington.

"We are pretty cool, aren't we?" Finn asked, grinning. "And we've only been doing this brother thing for a year!"

"How did your parents meet?" Mike and Tina had joined them now, their evening snog-fest over. Tina sat perched on the couch behind Stacy, hands itching to braid the girl's pretty blonde hair. Mike sat cross-legged in front of Brittany, getting wacked in the nose a couple of times with Lord Tubbington's tail.

Kurt shifted so his head was resting in the nook of Finn's neck. "Well, my mum died in the Battle of Hogwarts," Kurt said, voice low. "When I was seven."

"And so did my dad," Finn added, eyes distant.

"So at the end of our second year, Azimio and Strando and a couple of the other thugs from my house – they all ganged up on me at the platform when we were leaving for the summer. Finn came over and got them to back off, and my dad saw. He basically switched back and forth between worshipping this doofus and screaming at the other kids for ten minutes."

"After the others left, Burt asked me where my parents were, and I told him my mum was a muggle, so she couldn't get through the barrier. So he and Kurt walked me out to where my mom was waiting and he invited the both of us out to dinner as thanks for sticking up for his son." Kurt smiled bashfully, snuggling closer to his stepbrother. Finn smiled.

"And basically, they hit it off after that. We spent _a lot_ of time together that summer. And then, the summer after our third year, they got married," Kurt continued. "Small ceremony, nothing huge – Carole wouldn't let me do anything grand or magical because she invited her parents. Had to tell them my father was a muggle mechanic – as if! They would approve of him so much more if they knew how prestigious his position in the Auror department was!"

Everyone giggled at Kurt's frustration. Finn giggled into his brother's shoulder, giving him a goofy smile. "And now I have the greatest brother in the whole world!"

"HEY GUYS!" A voice came ringing from the boys' dorms. "Jeff and Nick smuggled in some butterbeer! IT'S PARTY TIME!"

Mike and Tina leapt up, hand-in-hand, and ran towards the dorms, followed by a group of bored students. Brittany hoisted Stacy onto her back, waving at Kurt and Finn. A couple other students stayed where they were – either too busy studying or too scared of the upperclassmen to join in – as did Kurt and Finn.

"So why are you here?" Finn asked, voice soft in Kurt's ear. Kurt sighed.

"It's stupid, but Azimio and Karofsky were harassing me again, and I just didn't feel like putting up with them tonight. Their insults…they sort of hurt. You would think I would be used to it by now. I mean, them calling me Lady-Face is nowhere near as bad as when they call you a mudblood, and yet you're absolutely fine and I'm running to you because they were being mean to me." Kurt pouted, letting out a huffy sigh.

"Kurt…what they say to you is just as bad as what they say to me, and you have to _live_ with them. I see them in the hallways sometimes. If I'm really lucky, they're in one of my classes. It's not stupid that you're hurt by their actions. And…" Finn smiled, wrapping his arms tighter around his stepbrother. "I'm really touched that _I'm_ the one you come to."

Kurt blushed, looking away. "Well, I couldn't go to Mercedes – Puckerman would never let me hear the end of it, the idiot. And he and Sam always start riots in the common room with their Weasley products. No, no – Gryffindor is entirely out of the question."

Finn grinned toothily at Kurt, nuzzling his cheek into the boy's hair. "You smell good."

"Thanks, Finn."

"Like…you smell like Quidditch."

"Sweat and mud? That's nice."

"No…like, grass and fresh air and adrenaline."

"Adrenaline has a smell?"

"Yeah! It's very…peachy."

"That would be my shampoo, Finn."

"Well, it smells like adrenaline."

"You're really good at distracting me, aren't you?"

"So I saw you talking to Anderson today…"

"Alright, I'd better get back to my dorm!" Kurt jumped up, blushing even more. Finn let out a booming laugh, looking strangely empty in the chair by himself.

"Just make sure he treats you well. No kissing until the second date, got it?" Finn called after his brother, giggling like a little girl. "If he tries anything, I'll hex him!"

"Goodnight, Finn," Kurt called back, crawling through the burrow-hole. Finn smiled, watching the receding form of his brother disappear into the hallway.

"'Night, Kurt."


End file.
